Couples Therapy – Betrayal Trauma

Repair your intimate relationship after all the hurt.

Invite me into your messy, hurtful relationship. I have seen it all and know how to help!

Sam* and Mage*: a marriage not made in heaven.

When they met, Sam was captivated by Mage’s vivacious and outgoing spirit, beautiful smile, and quick wit. Mage appreciated Sam’s attention to detail and protectiveness. He was a perfect gentleman who always showed up when he said he would and brought gifts, which she loved.

But soon after they married, she saw the dark side of her new husband. His quiet became brooding and was critical when she left something where he didn’t think it belonged. If she was late, even by one minute, he got angry. It got harder and harder to feel connected to him, but she had made her bed (like her mother said) and settled into her life.

Two years after their second child was born, Mage was moved from one department in her company to another and met a man who was so warm and inviting that she couldn’t help but open up and share a lot about her life. He was going through a complicated divorce and shared the details with Mage. She felt accepted and needed. They conversed as often as possible.

Then, things went from bad to worse.

One evening, Mage lied to her husband and agreed to meet her new friend. She drank too much wine and ended up back in his apartment. She told herself Sam didn’t love her because he had been critical of her for years. With total abandon, she gave herself to her new secret lover, and it felt like the most intimate experience in her life. After that night, despite her guilt, she snuck to his apartment as often as possible.

One day, Sam picked up her phone when it was unlocked and saw the communication between her and her lover. Mage could see his suppressed rage and horror in his eyes and hear it in his quavering speech as he questioned her. She lied. He pressed her that evening and the next day, dragging some of the truth out of her. She was ashamed, sobbing, and worn out, but she held back a lot of what happened.

Sam and Mage are both traumatized in their marriage – Sam from betrayal and Mage from years of control, scoldings, and put-downs.

What can be done to help this couple who have decided to try to repair their relationship despite the damage and set it on a better foundation than the one they built?

Coming back from the edge of no return: how is it done?

Whether you continue to be hurt by a critical, controlling, or demanding partner, or have cheated or been cheated on, excellent couples counseling can help.

Here are the first steps.

Creating confidentiality and trust comes first. What is shared between the therapist and a couple remains private. No one will ever know what happens in your sessions unless you give written permission to disclose specific information with time limits. You’ll be accepted and encouraged, not judged. You will feel understood and supported no matter what you’ve done.

Clear communication is essential. My clients learn the most effective communication skills for expressing feelings and concerns calmly and respectfully. Active listening skills will be practiced. It’s hard to achieve, but I will never grow weary due to slow progress.

Discovering what’s underneath involves openness. We will work to identify the underlying problems that affect the relationship. They may not be understood when we start. There may be old traumas that need attention besides the hurts from the relationship.

Fostering empathy and emotional support builds trust. I will support you emotionally and help you learn to show compassion for each other, which calms conflict and grows intimacy.

Developing new strategies comes next.

Setting easily understood, explained, specific, and achievable goals indicates how much progress you are making.

Building healthy conflict resolution skills requires learning the ABCs of intimate partner assertiveness: persuade without criticism, defensiveness, or blame.

Education and practical training make up for what you didn’t learn earlier. We often enter adult life and intimate relationships without having been taught enough to be successful in them. We will identify the areas where you need help, rehearse successful interactions, and foster mindful attention.

What results from our work together?

It all leads to a happier life with your partner.

Imagine each of you successfully being generous and vulnerable with each other because you’re not afraid of what will happen next.

When you make a mistake, you’re not afraid to take responsibility, knowing that your partner has also learned to show empathy and understanding.

Recover and grow your love. Get your friendship back. Contact me and find out how to heal the relationship and heal each other!